If You Are What You Eat

If You Are What You Eat

It all started about a year ago. Completely by accident, too. I mean, who in their right mind would start it on purpose? Which, I suppose, means that I am quite insane.

You see, about a year ago, I was having a garden party. You know the type of thing – grilling burgers on the barbeque, drinking beer and wine and having a few salads on the table so you feel less guilty about the other stuff you’re eating. And as they say: You are what you eat. And if I am what I usually eat, I have to admit that I am cheap, fast and easy...

As I was saying, it was a rather hot day and we fought to keep the mosquitoes at bay, mainly with spray repellent and citrus candles. Not sure if it really helped, but I only got bitten a handful of times instead of the usual assault those little beasts bring on.

Now, about an hour into the party, I filled up my plate with yet another helping of something tasty. This time, I tried the rice salad one of my friends had brought. It looked quite good. It also looked somewhat healthy so, naturally, I chose to eye it up with caution. One never knows when food is too healthy and I really wouldn’t want my body to go into shock over it all.

There were rice, kidney beans, sweet corn, pieces of peppers and cucumber, and some shimmering almond-shaped nuts I couldn’t quite identify. Maybe they’re glazed with honey, I thought. Sounds tasty, right? And why wouldn’t it be!

I also have to say that I’m a weird eater. Yes, I admit it, I don’t eat like other people do. For example, I don’t like my food to be mixed. And don’t go all ‘it’ll be mixed in your stomach anyway’ on me. I just don’t like it. So, I ate a bit of rice, carefully avoiding any of the other ingredients. It was okay, not hard and not overcooked, which is why I then ate my way through a few kidney beans and cucumber pieces.

Next, I thought I’d try one of the nuts and got one onto my fork. And without much thought, I bit it in half. Funny sort of nut, because it was all moist in the centre. The second I bit into it, a warm liquid squirted around my mouth. I can’t say I foresaw that happening. Obviously, it wasn’t a nut so I decided they might’ve been fruit instead. Dates maybe? They weren’t the tastiest of fruits, but they had something to them that made them quite… interesting and dare I say it: appetizing.

I had just taken the forkful into my mouth when one of our friends shrieked. Food first, so I took care to chew the peppers fully before turning to see what was going on.

One of the girls was holding her stomach, retching violently while others looked on, horrified.

“What’s going on?” I asked, wondering what had got into her. Shrugs were all I got at that point, as nobody knew just what had set her off. It took almost fifteen minutes before she pulled herself together long enough to utter,

“Bug.”

We laughed it off. She had obviously swallowed a bug that flew at her. Not a pleasant thing to do at any rate, after all. She, however, insisted that she hadn’t eaten a bug but simply found one on her plate, mixed in with her food, which was enough to freak her out. I wasn’t perturbed though and continued eating. Those fruits were really growing on me and I made a mental note to ask my friend where she had bought them and what they were.

I was just about to put another one into my mouth when my still-freaked-out friend squealed and swiped the fork out of my hand like a mad woman possessed. I still remember her words as though she’d only just shouted them at me:

“Bug! You’re about to eat a bug!”

Then she turned away and got sick all over my lawn. Lovely. And I nearly joined her. Not because watching her heave made me queasy but because I actually picked up the bug I had believed to be some sort of funny fruit. And there it was: a cockroach.

To my credit, it still looked like a funny fruit. Except, upon closer inspection, it had legs attached to it pulled close to its body. Had I really eaten some of these already? I shuddered, thinking only of how disgusting those things were and trying my best not to think of where they were before they landed in my food.

Needless to say, I left the rice salad well alone. It just goes to show you how bad healthy food is for you. Had I not eaten the salad, I wouldn’t have eaten a roach. End of story.

Only, it wasn’t the end of the story. The next day, I was cleaning up the rest of the party mess and came, once again, face to face with said rice salad. I wondered if I really had eaten roaches the night before. And so, for reasons that escape me, I took one and stuffed it into my mouth. My brain screamed at me, ‘No!’ but my stomach said, ‘Yes!’

And so, to this day, my darkest secret is my roach addiction. Especially if slow roasted in the oven right before adding them to risotto for added crunch. So nowadays, I’m not just cheap, fast and easy, but apparently dirty too. Cos isn’t that what roaches are said to be?
Oh, and before I forget, remember Rule Number One:

When cooking for guests, use mortar and pestle to pulverise roaches after roasting. Then add as seasoning for the extra kick. When asked what the wonderful flavour is, smile, wink and simply enjoy being mysterious.